Happiness!

So weak, so hollow.
Surrounded by people,
embraced by loneliness.
I walk with trembling feet,
towards a path not destined.

My hands are cold,
skin is pale.
Heart pumping to let me live.

My thoughts are unhinged,
and the brain is numb.
My arms empty,
with no meaning, no satisfaction,
happiness!

Fight or Flight?

One comes across many situations where she faces a dilemma of becoming the wonder woman and giving life a punch, or maybe simply forgetting about it (read; the most difficult task ever) and moving on. It could be as minor a situation as I do not want to change my work station. And the reasons she could give for it, well she’s a woman. You’d probably die by the time you finish listening to them.

It could be a date gone wrong, when all the guy does is talk about shit you do not want to hear. What does she do then? Can she tell him to shut up and enjoy the ‘purposely less ordered’ food or should she be a lady and politely listen with a smile on her face.

What should she do when a friend acts like a complete jerk? When she has tried everything to convince him, tried her level best to keep it going. Should she be mean and kick the fuck out of his balls or should she act like nothing has happened and greet him like a complete stranger every day.

A man loves her. She spends her time with him, almost every day. Sleep next to him, hug him. But doesn’t love him. Or maybe she doesn’t realize, perhaps she doesn’t want to. Is anything wrong with it; she doesn’t know. Should she just go with the flow or should she kill herself pondering over the thought again and again.

She is impulsive. She is fun. She is crazy. She is loud. She is mad. Her smile can kill. She is surrounded by men (read: friends). People, as they believe that they are the most creative story tellers, say that she is a slut. Should she hide in her cocoon only to never come out or should she spank those bastards and tell them talking ill about a woman is not going to make them tautological.

Fighting it out or flying away, the decision will always be hers to make. The opinions about her judgement, she can’t do anything about it. Because for her sky will always be grey. Looking up and asking for help is not her cup of tea. So, she decides and decides well to just move ahead. 

Shades of Love

One of those times when you need somebody, and you have them it does feel like a drug moving through your veins. And just as anybody would I ran towards him, not wanting to notice the consequences. That hug was just a modest way of saying I want more. He met me when I was in the sunny side and the grass was much greener there. There, where he stood amidst the crowd waiting for me to come and embrace life. I say this with a lump in my throat.

He pulled me out of something, something I may have readily succumbed to long back. He made me see the sky, the flowers, the walls and a bit of myself. We spoke to each other, but I was only listening to him. We walked together, but I was watching his steps. He touched me with a sense of belonging, the one I had never experienced before. I wanted to run away with him. Run away to a place where I could lie in his arms and have the serenity touch my soul. Just then, I heard him say to me, " Come let me take you on a journey." I didn't know where we were going, not that I cared to ask. But it indeed was a place where I found myself. He laughed and took me in his arms, so soft yet strong, making me feel warm. I love the smell of his sweat, telling that to myself I stopped thinking for a passing second seeming like forever, held him tightly and breathed him in.

While caressing his hands, still lying in his arms on the green grass, my mind was boggling to find out why is he here? He has his secrets. He was too afraid to love, yet lacking the courage to abandon it. His presence had always affected me, but I never could know what mine did for him. I could hear his heart beat loud and clear and lifted my head once to look at him while we were still entwined into an intimate embrace. Being held into his arms, it was perfect. Of course, I wanted more than perfect. What could that possibly be? I did not have a clue.

He ran his fingers gently down my cheeks and asked, is it gone? Your fret? I wanted to smile and say yes, but I didn't. I didn't want to give up the feeling of being in his arms. Well, a man and a woman together, we laughed allowing laughter to bring its magic. We both felt an urge, with our pulse going up too quickly. We understood it all along and let us go to get what we both longed for. Not opening my eyes, not knowing whether he did the same or not, our lips touched and sparked a passion that I never had experienced before. It was a feeling too naive to be explained.

He always kept his promise. He always makes me smile. He always takes away the unwanted and stir a ray faith in me. One of its kind. He always say, we will stay together. Eager for exactly that, I leaned towards him once again, knowing deep down that he may be destined to walk away.

Talk Much!

How does it feel to you when you are told to shut up?

No, I'm not questioning the fact whether you are stated right or wrong before that. Just how do your sentiments flow listening to this one sentence; Shut up! That, is a sentence according to me.

I feel obnoxious when I am not being listened to. I mean, how difficult is it to pay attention to someone sitting next to you and not react properly? All you need to do is to look up, and listen! Oh and by reactions I never mean to see those faces; it seems like, "Did I just ask for a diamond ring?" Having a conversation has become so tough, only a simple plain conversation. I guess, every girl reading this post, would be full of empathy, but what I'm more sure about is the coming of, 'Ah, another usual complaint'.

That's not a complaint, what we get to hear is. With 'Chup kar yaar' and 'how can you talk all the time' being common, we are bestowed sometimes with explanations(thank god!), from, "your timing is always too bad" to "This is not right. You aren't even making any sense." Really, can you even repeat what I said? Wait, give me just four lines of it and I'll be convinced!

I know I talk all the time. In fact, I'm talking right now. But, I am a girl. It is essential, yes 'fundamental' for me to talk. It is like oxygen! We may be overwhelmed all the time and react a lot. Perhaps you don't need us talking all the time but it's not about getting attention if you think what this is. For us girls, talking is a way to show attachment. The more I talk to you, the more closer we are. I maybe commenting on every single thing around but that is because I have a convention in my mind that you understand, and you should know what I feel about things, be it everything. Now, who finds that Strange?

It actually feels horrible. You know that your words are reaching other person's ears but they aren't choosing to listen to you. As a kid, I always pondered how it felt to not be able to hear. Now, I realize to be heard is more important. I believe it is important for us to respect people around us and be courteous enough to listen to the person speaking. Always! That's the least of course. But initially, that would be enough.


P.S This is about talking sense. I understand there are different degrees of lameness for everyone, but that is not what I am talking about. This post is not to offend any person. It is a personal thought and not intended to relate to someone.

Tashi Delek

Well, I was done with giving my final exams and as I thought to myself, I decided that now is the time to complete my movie.

Back in February when we had to submit our final projects in college, I was motivated and inspired to go and shoot the story of Tibetans living in exile. Though the final project got submitted on time; I never could complete the film. Maybe because of the timelessness we faced (freelancing and studying mass communication together really don’t leave you with enough time to even sleep!)

So, meanwhile just to keep my thoughts alive I have been reading a lot of books and articles about the recent developments (read increased sufferings) in Tibet.

It has been 119 Self Immolation now. It was 102 back then, when I had gone to Dharamshala. 17 deaths in just 4 months! And I would want to reiterate these are not just deaths; these are the portrayal of inhumanity of a system perpetrated in the name of progress and ideology.

I don’t know why, but every time I try to be practical and rational and make the movie my sentiments, rather my conscience forces me to look towards these people with the eyes of compassion. How could you not feel for the people who have been forced to leave their country, who live with the insecurities of new ideas and new world taking over their 2000 years old culture?

It is not only their sufferings at the end of Chinese rulers, or their acts of courage that beholds my attention; it is their struggle to never let go, it is their perseverance that constantly beats through my mind.

Dharamshala is not just a tourist place for me anymore. It has become ‘Dhasa’ the place where His Holiness The Dalai Lama has been praying for the well being of his people since more than 5 decades. The place has attached to itself a sense of reverence by giving refuge to a lot many Tibetans.

It seems that not everyone feels the same way about the Tibetans. Clearly, the fact that the communist party is bewildered with the increasing acts of self immolation and tightening their claws without any apprehension from the International Community gives light to the conclusion that everyone is bias. Be it bias towards money and political benefits or humanity. For me, there is nothing more destructive than a nation being enslaved for more than 60 years. This gives me a legit reason to present a story bias towards the resilience of these people.

By having the scientific characteristics of a human, it has been stated obvious that we are never content. Following the notion I believe that making a 30 minute movie won’t really help. Of course it will be the source of knowledge for those ‘many people’ who enjoy their lives unaware of the unjust and unlawful sufferings of these people. I feel the emptiness and a need for a power, a force that could speak and act for the Tibetans letting them to fulfill their dreams to live and rest in peace in their country! And I wish for the power to be discovered soon.

Tashi Delek!

P.S. Tashi Delek means good greetings in Tibet.
If you want to know more about the Tibetan history of sufferings under the Chinese rule go to
http://shivangi92.blogspot.in/2013/03/the-tibetan-issue.html

The Tibetan Issue

"Majnu ka Tila mei kaha jana hai, madam?"
"Refugee Colony"…

This was a mere beginning to my journey. The journey which showed another shade of life to me. It all began with reading an article online about children coming from Tibet to India without their parents and families. It sounded like I've heard about the place. I was reminded of the world map where our teachers taught us to write Tibet in brackets on the map of China. I never knew reading further about Tibet would make the Tibetan Issue such a strong part of my life. That's what it is popularly known as, the Tibetan Issue.

Tibet was a beautiful independent country. Surrounded by huge mountain ranges the place had one of the richest religious and cultural heritage preserved within the hearts of every Tibetan. It was a serene plateau with echoing sounds of prayers. Under the blessings of His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama, every Tibetan believed in living a happy and peaceful life. Tibet was, in its true sense The Roof of The World. However today what we know of Tibet is an entirely different story. In fact, do we even know about it? Today, it no more listens to the echoing prayers in monasteries. It no more feels the tranquility of air. It no more experiences the serenity. It now only witnesses the mourns and the cries of the people. The merry making lot are now seen sacrificing their lives by setting themselves ablaze! Yes, people of Tibet are dying! They are self immolating!

You must be by now wondering, what exactly it is that I'm so anxious about. It was in 1949 when the Communist Party of China came into power and stood up to reunite their 'motherland', Tibet. They said they wanted to liberalize Tibetans from the serfdom practices. They infiltrated and stealthily occupied Tibet killing thousands of people. Within a span of only a decade China forced the Tibetan religious and political leader His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama to escape and take refuge in India. Since then, whom Tibetans believe to be the reincarnation of the Buddha of Compassion is living in exile as a refugee! Since then thousands of Tibetans have crossed the borders to come and live in exile. What China terms as development are a bunch of cultural re-education and assimilation policies which forces Tibetans to abandon their language and culture and accept the communist regime. Tibetans are forced to defame and denounce His Holiness the Dalai Lama. Voices with differences arose several times but were crushed by the draconian rule of the communist party. The protestors are suppressed, brutally beaten and detained in the prisons for several years. If that didn't sound enough, they are barbarically tortured by electrical prods being inserted into their mouths. They say it is a fate worse than death.

With its increasing powers China has curtailed media's entry into Tibet. Even the Chinese media cannot cover issues related to Tibet. Today, the only way left for these people to make their voice audible is through setting themselves on fire. Since 2008 107 people have self immolated themselves inside and outside Tibet. They cry out for freedom and call for the return of His Holiness the Dalai Lama back in Tibet. These people have died for their true identity. Identity of being a Tibetan. The only wish they have is for once to see His Holiness coming back to live in a free Tibet. They want to experience the and feel the presence of their 'god' closer than ever to them. What the world have named these acts as is desperate. I feel they are the most courageous and selfless acts by any human being. Of course, you don’t think setting oneself on fire is easy?

Who is it that these people want to reach to? It is the International Media and International Organizations. The United Nations, The United States Of America, Russia, Germany, France, The United Kingdom, Japan all these. They are not just names, they are the power source of the world. If together these nations can definitely bring a difference in the fate of these Tibetans, if not change. However, the questions that keep on lingering in my mind are why aren't these communities acting? Why aren't they initiating a firm dialogue with China? Is it because of their own economic interests? Will China ever be moved by the sacrificing acts of Tibetans to get their nation and freedom back? I haven't found the answers to these one's yet. But I'm sure, one day the sun will rise from behind the clouds and give these people their bit of the sunlight.

Meanwhile, Tibetans living in exile are persistent with their struggle. They all are doing their bit. Either by participating into the peaceful candle vigils or protest marches. While the martyrs are giving their lives, these people far away from their homeland carry the struggle forward and demand for solidarity. As a child when I first visited Dharamshala, what they call as little Lhasa, I saw these people as a part of the crowd. But today, for me they shine as the highest example of perseverance and selflessness.

LOVE

Love is a deep affection or fondness, a sexual passion, a romantic relationship between two people, an intense enthusiasm or liking for someone. This is how the dictionary describes the most deepest emotion; the hardest secret. So it really makes me fight for and believe that there is a lot more to love than we all could imagine, or expect.

Love is the strongest power. Strong enough to evoke the feelings of happiness, sadness, longing, affection, lust, insecurity, jealousy. So strong that it can make 'anybody' lose their heart and soul and selflessly live with that 'somebody' whom they have fallen for. It is a feeling so intense that 'anybody' tend to weave their world around their 'somebody'. That 'somebody' becomes so important; rather special in your life that you tend to see things around you with their perspective. Being a writer, I can say that they become an inspiration for your work and thoughts and dreams and desires. The craziest part of being in love is that you don’t even tend to recognize the reason most of the times.

A mother loves her child like nobody could. It the most selfless love. A woman's love for her man is her desire and loyalty towards him. She loves the man in the most purest form. A friend loves another friend for the fun they have together. It is the mischievous love. That day I saw an old couple holding hands and walking down the street. That was the love of support and understanding. It does seem this is a lot like what love is.

However, love has an even broader dimension to itself. It could be anybody's love for something. Now, that something could again be anything. It could be a musicians love for sound, a dancers love for rhythm, or a writers love for pen!

I feel love is like a breeze, free flowing. It is a natural resource too! Of course, you can't make 'anybody' love 'somebody'! It just happens. All I can say is after being in love it is easier to believe about more in magic than before. It gives you light in darkness guiding you on the unfolding road, joy in sorrow, pain in relief. Whatever it may be, it just binds you together!

It has a sort of chemical reactive nature too. 'Anybody' might love 'somebody' but that 'somebody' might just not be aware of that 'anybody'. It brings complications. Like being in love gives you a bipolar disorder at a maximum indulgence but it usually starts with something like pms!

I Love You! It is still a mystery for me or I guess everybody, that how are these three words capable enough to sway you off your feet and take you to the seventh cloud. It makes you feel wanted. 'Anybody' would need a 'somebody' to talk to, share feelings and spaces with, to be a part of their lives. Love is a little selfish too, almost! Though it brings out the best in us.

It is the quality of relationship the some 'anybody' and any 'somebody' shares. It lets them be the greatest person and demands to put forth the best in them to always overcome the worst and lowest in their souls. Love is like an unconquered spirit, always surrounding us, making people happy. And with so much love around, I have started to think, "Can anybody find me somebody to love?".